May has been full of time for change. A lot of the change has been in me. I've been on the road so much the last month and I have had lots of time for reflection. I find I am no longer feeling like I should still be in love with my ex-husband. I love him as a friend and the father of my children and because we shared a life together, but I am no longer IN love with him. We had a chance to have a small heart to heart while he was at my daughters for her graduation and I can honestly say I had no pangs of heartache when I looked at him or talked to him. We had one small incident while at his house that involved his attempt to spare my feelings instead of being up front. I tried to explain that if he would just be up front and tell me, then there would be less to have to deal with in the end. If I get upset, that is my thing to deal with. If he is secretive or hides things and I am then totally surprised and hurt that he didn't give me the chance to even try to deal with whatever it was. Plus I think for the first time since the divorce we actually laughed and relaxed and had a good time. I explained that that was all I wanted or expected. The other admission I made was that for the first time in my life, I am actually on my own and I enjoy this aspect of life. Making my own decisions and living life how I want. I love being able to make my own choices, I love the feeling of independence and freedom. Freedom to come and go as I please, to not have to feel I have to live life according to someone else's agenda. To finally realize it is ok to let go of past dreams and expectations and to find new ones. That letting go is not forgetting or losing, it's not failure - it's life
Good for you! Its probably part of the process. You know there are steps to grief. There are probably steps to separation too. So glad you are feeling better.
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteAll part of the healing process, now onward & forward to better places with life & in life!!!
Love You!!
Yup, I hear you about freedom from living your life by somebody else's agenda. That is definitely the down side of marriage for me. Good that you were able to laugh with him and be up front! I'm so glad to hear about these changes! Robin A.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Some times it just take a bit of time to let the process work through and see where your heart leads you.I wish you much happiness and luck on this new adventure finding out how YOU want your life to be.
ReplyDelete