It's been awhile since my last post. I'm afraid I won't be getting anymore pockets done. The thickness of the denim was really hard on my fingers. Instead, I have been working with Lacy's stiff stuff and loving it. I have one framed and 8 others finished. Soooo much easier on my fingers.
I have been having other issues to deal with also. My two loveable Yorkies are having deathmatches! I'm having a really hard time dealing with the whole latching on and not letting go and worrying about when the next attack will be. Very depressing. I've also been going through a really tough time. Still dealing with divorce issues - as in trying to move on and not being able to get passed the whole 'I'm divorced' thing. I miss my husband, I miss being close to someone and having a reason to live - to get up every morning and make the daily drudgery worthwhile. Right now nothing is worth the pain and nothing I have right now is worth any of it. I am hanging on because of my kids, but realize that my kids can do fine without me. I guess I don't really have much to live for anymore. I don't get emails other than junk mail, no friends emailing to chat, no phone calls - so why do I have any phones I wonder. And I have 3. I'm just wasting space, money and air.
I think about suicide every day. My friend says I am too up and down, but I'm not, I just try to fake it and do a poor job of it sometimes. I tried being honest to myself and my feelings but no one wants to deal with all that, so I went back to pretending everything was spiffy.
When people wonder why other people choose death over life, I say walk a mile in their shoes. Everything I ever felt was worth anything in my life was tied to my being a wife and a mother. The kids are grown and my husband left me after having several affairs - affairs I would have and did forgive him for one of them - I never got the chance to forgive him for the second. He just wanted me out of his life. I feel like it's my fault for some reason. That I am unloveable and worthless. I know that's not true, but it's hard when I look at my life and see all the times I was left behind, unwanted and rejected. I'm tired of being rejected, of feeling unloveable.