Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Life is good...

When you open your eyes in the morning and know you will have a good day no matter what you plan, life is good. I've spent so many years living with not knowing how the day will be, that I didn't realize how good life could be till just the other day. I woke up and just layed in bed and thought no matter what I did that day, life would be good.

I feel some people judge me because I don't have a job. You should work, support yourself, etc. Well, I guess they would think that and normally they'd be right. I'd love to work and support myself. However, I have limitations and have to live with them. I'd be disabled if only I had worked in the last 10 years or had no support from my ex. I don't qualify, but that doesn't mean I am able to work. Some days that upsets me. That people feel they can judge you without knowing. But I try to remember that is their problem, not mine. I'm living with the cards I've been dealt and I am ok with that (most of the time).

Overall, life is good. I have friends, I have sunshine, a bottle of wine, family who do love me, a house to live in, and a lot of other good things. It's the good things we need to keep thinking about and remembering.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


A year ago in April I found out my husband didn't love me anymore, had a girlfriend, and wanted a divorce. Wanted me out of his life. That's a lot to swallow in one moment in time. It's a lot to swallow in a whole lifetime. So since then I have been trying to figure out what my life has been all about, if not putting my soul into a marriage works, then what does? Does anything have meaning? They say to never make any decisions for at least a year after a divorce. The person who said that might have meant well, but really, in real life, it just isn't possible. You HAVE to make certain decisions whether you want to or not. There is no safe harbor for unwanted wives to go so they don't have to make any decisions.

I ask myself daily if I shouldn't be 'doing' more. I find I like my quiet life except for a few things - I can't seem to keep up the yard work alone. It always has been and always will be a big job. I miss my kids. I miss the simple things of a relationship, holding hands, hugs, laughter, that comfortable feeling of knowing the person beside you so well you don't have to talk and when you do, you can finish the sentences for each other. The feeling of being loved.

I know my ex-husband doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't miss me. he doesn't miss any of the things I miss because he's already replaced me with someone else. While I'm trying to put the pieces of my life together, he never missed a step. When I am depressed I think of how unfair it is that my life was torn apart and his has gone on with hardly a bump. Life isn't fair, but shouldn't life be equally unfair? I would love to be the one making the rules for a day. Those rules that govern innocent people. I would make it so that if life was unfair, it would be unfair for everyone. Specially for those who cause the unfairness.

I guess it's a good thing I'm not in charge. I don't think I would be fair.

And then I think about the things that I have benefited from the divorce. I don't have to clean up after a man who doesn't appreciate the work involved. Any mess in the house is one I made. I do what I want with no censure. I get to see beautiful sunsets, mountains and lakes whenever I want. Sunrises too, if I choose. I don't have anyone telling me what bad person I am. I have peace and quiet unless I want to make noise. I have a big tv I never watch, but then neither does he. I drink wine when I want, spend my money on what I want, make my own decisions.

Was it worth it? I think it would depend on how you looked at it. If it meant being married and having my husband love me like I thought he did, no it's not worth it. If it means that I would still be divorced no matter what, that my husband was still unfaithful and still did not love me, then yes, I'd rather be alone and content than married to man who hated the site of me. I'd trade sunsets and wine for hand holding and hugs.

Now if I could just convince my heart.