Saturday, March 27, 2010

April is soon to arrive!

And while I've finished my April pocket early, I had good reason. I will be traveling a bit the next two months to visit my mom first then to attend my daughters graduation in Louisiana. She'll be getting her degree in English with Women's studies as a minor. Then off to get her Masters - possibly in Kansas.

April is also one of those months where nothing good happened and everything that's good happened. I decided to focus on the good - my grandaughter was born in April. As apposed to my attempted suicide that was also in April. Having been to the deepest of pits and survived, I wonder daily if I should have. I don't see any great change in my life or in my pain - when things get bad and I can't see the good. I struggle every day just to stay alive, to keep my pain at bay, to hide my real thoughts from people who would probably run if they knew what I was thinking.

I think, if only I could find a reason for all the hurt and pain, I could make it all go away. But it never does. It's elusive, hinting one day that I'm close to an answer then slipping off to hide for another day.

When someone you know is hurting, depressed or in pain, whether physical or mental, do you know what to do or to say to that person? Do you know what they need? more than anything they just need to know they are loved, unconditionally.

A long time ago I had a friend who killed himself. In my youthfulness, I didn't know he was telling me that's what he was going to do and that it would be soon, I couldn't imagine life would be so bad as to actually do it. In all my years of depression up to this point, I had never actually made an attempt, even though I came close a few years after his. So his death came as a surprise to me, and I was saddened that he never knew how much I liked and respected him, loved him as a friend and a brother. He never knew that, I don't think, because I never told him. I thought there was more time.

Live life as if there is no more time. As if this is the last day you will ever see that person or talk to that person. Don't let words and actions wait till another day, a better moment. There may not be another day or moment. Love unconditionally! Love could mean the difference between life or death. Because some of us live that line. We don't want to but we do. And life is more than just the daily trials, life can be the hardest thing we do that day, that week or that month. For those of us who suffer deep depression, every hour lived is a milestone. Knowing someone will care deeply if we give up could be the difference between choosing life and giving up.

I'm telling you this because I have a friend who keeps me living each day. She's here to remind me I am not alone, even when I feel I am so terribly alone, she tells me I am not. So I vow to keep fighting, to keep trying.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

March pocket finished!

Where to start? One day at work I created this doodle and I liked it because it showed to me a definite battle and separation of my life. The battle was the uphill climbs during my 30 yr marriage. The mountains depict that part, including the rocky parts, the snowy parts and the easy downhill coasting. The last of the mountains are covered in snow, just as our marriage was covered in the frost and cold of neglect. The blue and white bead depict the blue skies and cloudy days. We had a lot of both for a long time. The white beads depict the snow continuing to fall, just as our marriage continued to fall out of control. (did anyone see the 2 beaded circles within the mountains? This represents our vows - gold standing for him and silver for me)

The river divides that life and my new life. It wasn't easy to cross, but I've managed somehow. The bear is my totem and his trail begins and ends at the bottom where the button says life's journey. I also added the 2 circles in my present life. They represent my vows to myself, to remain faithful to my beliefs, my self, and my future. I created a rainbow with golds and silvers to represent this era in my life. I may not have a man to share my life with but it is filled with golden moments of time with family and friends. While this was a difficult piece to do, I think it has helped me to work through some of the issues of my failed marriage. There is still a lot of hurt there, but I am pushing past it and moving on with my life.

My journey hasn't ended, it's just begun.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

where life meets beading and beading meets sun

lol - got my March pocket finished and will post soon. Been busy, busy lately so not much time for beading or blogging. Not that you can tell I was actually busy...

spent the day at a friends house 'dog sitting' on the deck - got sun, some wind and watched a goofy movie on Encore on their bigscreen. Didn't manage to get much else done except laundry. Yesterday we did pretty much the same thing and T made supper - bbq chicken with his home-made bbq sauce, salad and baked potatoes. mmmm.... good. enough leftovers for some for supper, yeah!

And I have been working on going through all my craft stuff, even though you can't tell it by looking....