A year ago in April I found out my husband didn't love me anymore, had a girlfriend, and wanted a divorce. Wanted me out of his life. That's a lot to swallow in one moment in time. It's a lot to swallow in a whole lifetime. So since then I have been trying to figure out what my life has been all about, if not putting my soul into a marriage works, then what does? Does anything have meaning? They say to never make any decisions for at least a year after a divorce. The person who said that might have meant well, but really, in real life, it just isn't possible. You HAVE to make certain decisions whether you want to or not. There is no safe harbor for unwanted wives to go so they don't have to make any decisions.
I ask myself daily if I shouldn't be 'doing' more. I find I like my quiet life except for a few things - I can't seem to keep up the yard work alone. It always has been and always will be a big job. I miss my kids. I miss the simple things of a relationship, holding hands, hugs, laughter, that comfortable feeling of knowing the person beside you so well you don't have to talk and when you do, you can finish the sentences for each other. The feeling of being loved.
I know my ex-husband doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't miss me. he doesn't miss any of the things I miss because he's already replaced me with someone else. While I'm trying to put the pieces of my life together, he never missed a step. When I am depressed I think of how unfair it is that my life was torn apart and his has gone on with hardly a bump. Life isn't fair, but shouldn't life be equally unfair? I would love to be the one making the rules for a day. Those rules that govern innocent people. I would make it so that if life was unfair, it would be unfair for everyone. Specially for those who cause the unfairness.
I guess it's a good thing I'm not in charge. I don't think I would be fair.
And then I think about the things that I have benefited from the divorce. I don't have to clean up after a man who doesn't appreciate the work involved. Any mess in the house is one I made. I do what I want with no censure. I get to see beautiful sunsets, mountains and lakes whenever I want. Sunrises too, if I choose. I don't have anyone telling me what bad person I am. I have peace and quiet unless I want to make noise. I have a big tv I never watch, but then neither does he. I drink wine when I want, spend my money on what I want, make my own decisions.
Was it worth it? I think it would depend on how you looked at it. If it meant being married and having my husband love me like I thought he did, no it's not worth it. If it means that I would still be divorced no matter what, that my husband was still unfaithful and still did not love me, then yes, I'd rather be alone and content than married to man who hated the site of me. I'd trade sunsets and wine for hand holding and hugs.
Now if I could just convince my heart.
Good morning, Kat.
ReplyDeleteI admit I have no knowledge of how you are feeling. I've been married 38 years and never think about being apart, except til death do us part. I can't imagine being without him, but I know divorce would be so much harder than death. The rejection would be hard to deal with. I wouldn't be fair. I would probably be evil and vengeful. I can say this. Of the two of you, your exhusband is not stronger. After all he was unfaithful. Did not have the courage to tell you he wanted out before he found a replacement. That tells me that he can't be alone. I hope its a case of the grass is greener. I hope its bug infested on that side of the fence...bitter crab grass. You never know!
Keep busy, girl. I suspect that you are in a much better place than he.
Carol
Dear Kat, So sorry for how you feel, but I totally agree with Carol. Your ex is a coward, afraid of being alone. I really doubt if his moving on has been without a bump. For now maybe, but one day this newer, greener grass will need some work to sustain it and then he will be confronted with his incapability to do so.
ReplyDeleteYour heart is still hurting and that is no wonder. I can imagine you would trade wine and sunsets for holding hands and being loved.. Just for now: cherish your glasses of wine, the beautifull colors of sunsets and rises and remind yourself that the grass is only greener when you are still on the other side of the fence. Once you crossed it, it is just as green as anywhere!
Hang in there girl, you have been strong for a year. Give yourself the love you deserve as hard as that maybe.
XO