Monday, February 28, 2011

learning new things

It's been awhile since my last post. I'm afraid I won't be getting anymore pockets done. The thickness of the denim was really hard on my fingers. Instead, I have been working with Lacy's stiff stuff and loving it. I have one framed and 8 others finished. Soooo much easier on my fingers.

I have been having other issues to deal with also. My two loveable Yorkies are having deathmatches! I'm having a really hard time dealing with the whole latching on and not letting go and worrying about when the next attack will be. Very depressing. I've also been going through a really tough time. Still dealing with divorce issues - as in trying to move on and not being able to get passed the whole 'I'm divorced' thing. I miss my husband, I miss being close to someone and having a reason to live - to get up every morning and make the daily drudgery worthwhile. Right now nothing is worth the pain and nothing I have right now is worth any of it. I am hanging on because of my kids, but realize that my kids can do fine without me. I guess I don't really have much to live for anymore. I don't get emails other than junk mail, no friends emailing to chat, no phone calls - so why do I have any phones I wonder. And I have 3. I'm just wasting space, money and air.

I think about suicide every day. My friend says I am too up and down, but I'm not, I just try to fake it and do a poor job of it sometimes. I tried being honest to myself and my feelings but no one wants to deal with all that, so I went back to pretending everything was spiffy.

When people wonder why other people choose death over life, I say walk a mile in their shoes. Everything I ever felt was worth anything in my life was tied to my being a wife and a mother. The kids are grown and my husband left me after having several affairs - affairs I would have and did forgive him for one of them - I never got the chance to forgive him for the second. He just wanted me out of his life. I feel like it's my fault for some reason. That I am unloveable and worthless. I know that's not true, but it's hard when I look at my life and see all the times I was left behind, unwanted and rejected. I'm tired of being rejected, of feeling unloveable.


  1. Suicide is not the answer. We lost our beautiful, smart,lots to live for Grandson to suicide. It has almost destroyed our whole family. You might think your kids can get along without you...not so! Give yourself a break, take life a day at a time. Get out, work, volunteer, start the day off with a smile, it makes all the difference in the world. I wish I could have said this to my Grandson...maybe it would have made a difference. I miss him so much its almost hard to breath sometimes, so imagine what his parents, brother and sister feel. You are a beautiful woman with a lot to give...I will keep you in my prayers. Keep on beading, I think sometimes thats all that keeps me sane. I know your children must love you very much..never forget that or think that it doesn't matter. One day at a time. I don't know you, but I care. Please take it one day at a time and know that there is a lot to live for.

  2. I don't know you, but this breaks my heart. I lost a 2 cousins to suicide, and my step-daughter has attempted it 3 times. She's better now, but for how long, only God knows. I would like to invite you to join a group of ladies over on Facebook. We call our group POWER - Problems Overcome with Established Routines. Friend me, DBabbit, and I'll send you an invite to the group. If you're not up to doing that, at least please seek counseling...If not for you, do it for your children.