learning new things

It's been awhile since my last post. I'm afraid I won't be getting anymore pockets done. The thickness of the denim was really hard on my fingers. Instead, I have been working with Lacy's stiff stuff and loving it. I have one framed and 8 others finished. Soooo much easier on my fingers.

I have been having other issues to deal with also. My two loveable Yorkies are having deathmatches! I'm having a really hard time dealing with the whole latching on and not letting go and worrying about when the next attack will be. Very depressing. I've also been going through a really tough time. Still dealing with divorce issues - as in trying to move on and not being able to get passed the whole 'I'm divorced' thing. I miss my husband, I miss being close to someone and having a reason to live - to get up every morning and make the daily drudgery worthwhile. Right now nothing is worth the pain and nothing I have right now is worth any of it. I am hanging on because of my kids, but realize that my kids can do fine without me. I guess I don't really have much to live for anymore. I don't get emails other than junk mail, no friends emailing to chat, no phone calls - so why do I have any phones I wonder. And I have 3. I'm just wasting space, money and air.

I think about suicide every day. My friend says I am too up and down, but I'm not, I just try to fake it and do a poor job of it sometimes. I tried being honest to myself and my feelings but no one wants to deal with all that, so I went back to pretending everything was spiffy.

When people wonder why other people choose death over life, I say walk a mile in their shoes. Everything I ever felt was worth anything in my life was tied to my being a wife and a mother. The kids are grown and my husband left me after having several affairs - affairs I would have and did forgive him for one of them - I never got the chance to forgive him for the second. He just wanted me out of his life. I feel like it's my fault for some reason. That I am unloveable and worthless. I know that's not true, but it's hard when I look at my life and see all the times I was left behind, unwanted and rejected. I'm tired of being rejected, of feeling unloveable.

With the New Year upon us

I'd like to say I am only 2 months behind in actual work and need to upload photos for september and october. Which may not be done any time soon. Between trying to get the house back together and getting ready for a new year I don't seem to have energy left over. But I would like to get back to beading regularly and I am making that a priority when I'm not reading, eating, cleaning, or sleeping.

Christmas

I keep thinking as the years go by that things would get easier. That I'll remember the good times rather than the bad. That the holidays wouldn't be so hard. Well, so far I haven't reistenached it. I have a hard time listening to love songs, I can't think about Christmas without tears - because I can't be with my family and because my X was having an affair during our last Christmas together. We were at my son's and he kept disappearing to call her and she was constantly calling him. That's kind of when I knew something was really wrong. I suspected but he denied it. I keep thinking I'm over it and then it hits me all over again, sometimes worse than others.

Yikes!

August and September are done but I haven't had much computer time here at mom's. (She is doing fine, frustrated she isn't progressing as fast as she wanted to but is improving daily) I have been trying to bead a little every day. I just finished August so am behind a bit. I am working on another pocket while waiting for my bead order to come. I used up most of the flower beads I had on the last pocket. Glass beads shaped like flowers are hard to find (for me at least) so I had to settle for resin. Ah well. Will post pocket when I get time to photo it and post.

I hope everyone is doing well and happily beading!
kat

July

July was in with a bang! My pocket represents just that... all the fun and fireworks of July, the seemingly frantic pace that surrounded us, with everyone going off in different directions. It was a madcap month! I helped my friends with some renovation work for some other friends and flared up my knee, so I had to quit doing that, which I really enjoyed and was bummed I couldn't help anymore. I found I like wielding a saw... lol So half of July was madcap rushing here and there and the other half was perched on the couch with my knee supported and hobbling around. I got a steroid shot and I hate them, but such is life. I did learn the knack of beading while on the couch... so I've been getting a head start on things.... July also is when my divorce was final so there was some sad times too, but I've been seeing a really good counselor so I'm working through it. All in all, my mental health is better than it was this time last year, my physical self is in the toilet... arghhhh but what can you do? Day to day....

June

June is done... fairly easy pocket this time. I followed the image already on the pocket and did some fill-in with beads. I felt 'compelled' to do this pocket and it was a challenge and fun too. Just beading to be beading, but I guess it shows some of my contentment and settling in to the new life of being single. I added straps to all my pockets and found out it was easier to add them before I beaded, but a little trickier to bead with the strap in the way. Anyway this one is just whimsical and fun...

playtime

I've been working on this for awhile and finally finished it in July. It's mostly just my mix of beads - my study in golds... lol I recently finished my study in pastels and I am working on my study in purples. Totally freestyle - no pattern or end result... just beading with colors and creating art. This and the others were all done on the same stuff that Jody (my friend here in NM) uses in her beaded goddess's. Stiff stuff or something like that. Very easy to use and it takes a wash of color nicely also which I did for the purple piece. I am thinking I will frame these after I figure out how I'm going to do the matting - material or paper? quilt it or flat? ughhhh

playing catch-up - May

This is May's pocket. This represents my 2 trips I made in May - one to my mom and one to my daughter's graduation - she graduated magna cum laude! and held a job. I wanted the orange to represent the roads and the winding paths I took. The rest is just a representation of the things I saw... It was spring and things at the lower elevations were blooming but the mountains still had snow but were so far away... I went to the Caverns of Socorro which was an awesome adventure - on the way to Lafayette LA where my daughter was (she's now in Kansas awaiting classes to start for her masters degree). On the way home I went to Big Bend National Park... big park, lots to see offroad, hotter than Hades even in may, but worth the trip. Was good to be home though... I didn't take my girls with me to my daughter's but I did to mom's. I really missed them while I was gone.

and of course I added my bear totem... I look at it and wonder if it is finished yet or not. lol

Wow Summer seems to be passing me by....

I have been having knee problems and have been spending an excess amount of time sitting with my knee up. Since I don't have wireless I can't drag my laptop to the couch (: But that means I have had a lot of time to work on pockets! I have May, June and July done and have added straps to all the other pockets. I also de-constructed a bunch of jeans and have pockets ready to go for a few more months. I took pics but have to get them off the camera. I will try to do that tomorrow.

I have been seeing a therapist and I am working through some things with her which is helping. I've also talked to my X and while the answers I got weren't what I expected and I didn't feel like I got everything I felt I needed to hear, I did at least get him to talk about feelings and his thoughts from his perspective. So I am getting some closure in that area and I hope it helped him too, because I opened up and told him some things I hadn't told anyone, that while I didn't want him to feel like he had to say it's all his fault, I did appreciate him saying he had made mistakes and that he felt he had failed me by not encouraging me or supporting me. That I had made mistakes too and that because of things that happened to me when I was younger and that this had impacted my reactions to things he did or said. Basically, because I never felt I was worthy of love, that I felt I deserved whatever happened and I had no control, which caused me to be clingy and needy. My fear he would leave me pushed him to do just that. I know I didn't consciously do these things, they were already programed into my brain.

I also talked to my mom and got some clarifications and more of an understanding of my dad and his lack of relating to any of the family. Mom said he'd always been that way. She gave me lots of insight which I really did appreciate.

I hope you all will enjoy the pockets I have created. This has been a wonderful process of finding myself and my pockets reflect that. And I will get them posted soon... maybe even today!

Working on May

and finding it hard to concentrate some days, so the going is slow. I will be meeting with my new counselor tomorrow for the first time. I hope it goes well. I have been feeling very low lately. I think partly because of all the traveling I did and partly from seeing my X for the first time in what, 8 months.... Even knowing I'm not in love with him anymore doesn't stop the pain and the feeling of loss. Mostly that loss of security in knowing my place in the universe. I was a 'wife' so long I don't know how to do anything else. So I just muddle through the days it seems.

We did go to Winston for their fiesta which was fun, although very very hot. I think I cut the day short for everyone when I had to go sit and cool off. I get heat stroke very easily and I hate it. Anyway we then went to Chloride to see the museum, but it was closed so we headed home. I spent the next 2 days with a migraine. I finally took some migraine meds today and I feel better. I still have so many things to do and so many things to put away... seems to never end. At least I got most of the materials I need to do the repairs on the roof. All in good time.

My April pocket - April is the month my granddaughter was born and I wanted to take this pocket and celebrate new life, springtime and my favorite things - flowers, butterflys and dragonflys! I used rainbow tourmaline and amethyst for the flowers. For the leaves I used some carved leaves I got at the local store and green florite and peridot for the vines. There wasn't a lot of heavy thoughts on this one, I just tried to put forth the feelings of spring, new life, new beginnings. It is one of my favorite so far.
hugs

A time for change

A time for change

May has been full of time for change. A lot of the change has been in me. I've been on the road so much the last month and I have had lots of time for reflection. I find I am no longer feeling like I should still be in love with my ex-husband. I love him as a friend and the father of my children and because we shared a life together, but I am no longer IN love with him. We had a chance to have a small heart to heart while he was at my daughters for her graduation and I can honestly say I had no pangs of heartache when I looked at him or talked to him. We had one small incident while at his house that involved his attempt to spare my feelings instead of being up front. I tried to explain that if he would just be up front and tell me, then there would be less to have to deal with in the end. If I get upset, that is my thing to deal with. If he is secretive or hides things and I am then totally surprised and hurt that he didn't give me the chance to even try to deal with whatever it was. Plus I think for the first time since the divorce we actually laughed and relaxed and had a good time. I explained that that was all I wanted or expected. The other admission I made was that for the first time in my life, I am actually on my own and I enjoy this aspect of life. Making my own decisions and living life how I want. I love being able to make my own choices, I love the feeling of independence and freedom. Freedom to come and go as I please, to not have to feel I have to live life according to someone else's agenda. To finally realize it is ok to let go of past dreams and expectations and to find new ones. That letting go is not forgetting or losing, it's not failure - it's life

Hex Goblindancer... my fairy name

Your fairy is called Hex Goblindancer

She is a bringer of riches and wealth.

She lives in places hexed and tainted by black magic.

She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.

She wears black feathers and rose petals. She has gentle green wings like a butterfly.

Get your free fairy name here!

looking back

looking back did you ever see?
did you ever see the real me?
did you think it would last?
while you held me fast?

looking back do you remember me?
do you remember
that first look,
our first kiss...
do you remember this?

looking back did you ever think?
did you ever think it would end like this?
packing my bags,
loading the car,
not... looking back... and looking too far?

looking back do you ever feel?
do you feel right,
do you sleep at night?

looking back do you ever think?
do you ever think anything at all?
or were the years that went by nothing at all?

Looking back, all I see is miles and miles
as I drove away from all that I had
looking for a way to see beyond the bad,
looking for ways to put life back in my smiles.

I don't look back anymore,
I have so much more in store
I can't waste time on things that won't change
I have too many things easily within range
looking back is for fools
if you see me looking, I'm not looking for you
kat
this isn't exactly how I had it in my head when I thought it up on the drive home, but I guess it really doesn't matter...

does life feel like it's passing you by? are you passing by life?

While this is not a perfect photo, I loved the sunset and had to capture it. I took this out of my window in a moving car... which is why everything looks like it's moving and where I got my title from...
I will be posting a photo of my April pocket and hopefully starting on May soon. The trip took more out of me than I thought it would and I am glad to be home. I posted pics on my fb site if anyone is interested in looking.

I also posted this pic of Jody and my entries in the bead group challenge. We didn't win but we did have fun.

So much has happened since I last posted, I don't hardly know where to begin. I enjoyed my time with my mom and wished I could have spent more time there, but was also glad to be home. I put up my new drapes today that I bought while I was there. I will post some pics of things as I get them photographed. I had to laugh - my mom picked out the drapes I wanted then put them back, or started to... I grabbed them and put them in my part of the cart (anyone else share carts when shopping with someone?) I think we were both surprised we liked the same thing... then she picked out some that I wasn't too sure of. We got back to the house and put hers up and I had to go buy me some... lol Mostly though, we talked and took care of the dogs... Thankfully, mine get along famously with hers... helps that hers are male and mine are female, I guess, but it was a relief to know Spice can get along with other dogs. Her sis and she don't get along right now - we are hoping this will pass now that Spice is fixed).

Good grief... don't even want to think about the next trip. It's only a week away and thankfully, not as far. But I have to deal with the X....

Life is good...

When you open your eyes in the morning and know you will have a good day no matter what you plan, life is good. I've spent so many years living with not knowing how the day will be, that I didn't realize how good life could be till just the other day. I woke up and just layed in bed and thought no matter what I did that day, life would be good.

I feel some people judge me because I don't have a job. You should work, support yourself, etc. Well, I guess they would think that and normally they'd be right. I'd love to work and support myself. However, I have limitations and have to live with them. I'd be disabled if only I had worked in the last 10 years or had no support from my ex. I don't qualify, but that doesn't mean I am able to work. Some days that upsets me. That people feel they can judge you without knowing. But I try to remember that is their problem, not mine. I'm living with the cards I've been dealt and I am ok with that (most of the time).

Overall, life is good. I have friends, I have sunshine, a bottle of wine, family who do love me, a house to live in, and a lot of other good things. It's the good things we need to keep thinking about and remembering.

April

A year ago in April I found out my husband didn't love me anymore, had a girlfriend, and wanted a divorce. Wanted me out of his life. That's a lot to swallow in one moment in time. It's a lot to swallow in a whole lifetime. So since then I have been trying to figure out what my life has been all about, if not putting my soul into a marriage works, then what does? Does anything have meaning? They say to never make any decisions for at least a year after a divorce. The person who said that might have meant well, but really, in real life, it just isn't possible. You HAVE to make certain decisions whether you want to or not. There is no safe harbor for unwanted wives to go so they don't have to make any decisions.

I ask myself daily if I shouldn't be 'doing' more. I find I like my quiet life except for a few things - I can't seem to keep up the yard work alone. It always has been and always will be a big job. I miss my kids. I miss the simple things of a relationship, holding hands, hugs, laughter, that comfortable feeling of knowing the person beside you so well you don't have to talk and when you do, you can finish the sentences for each other. The feeling of being loved.

I know my ex-husband doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't miss me. he doesn't miss any of the things I miss because he's already replaced me with someone else. While I'm trying to put the pieces of my life together, he never missed a step. When I am depressed I think of how unfair it is that my life was torn apart and his has gone on with hardly a bump. Life isn't fair, but shouldn't life be equally unfair? I would love to be the one making the rules for a day. Those rules that govern innocent people. I would make it so that if life was unfair, it would be unfair for everyone. Specially for those who cause the unfairness.

I guess it's a good thing I'm not in charge. I don't think I would be fair.

And then I think about the things that I have benefited from the divorce. I don't have to clean up after a man who doesn't appreciate the work involved. Any mess in the house is one I made. I do what I want with no censure. I get to see beautiful sunsets, mountains and lakes whenever I want. Sunrises too, if I choose. I don't have anyone telling me what bad person I am. I have peace and quiet unless I want to make noise. I have a big tv I never watch, but then neither does he. I drink wine when I want, spend my money on what I want, make my own decisions.

Was it worth it? I think it would depend on how you looked at it. If it meant being married and having my husband love me like I thought he did, no it's not worth it. If it means that I would still be divorced no matter what, that my husband was still unfaithful and still did not love me, then yes, I'd rather be alone and content than married to man who hated the site of me. I'd trade sunsets and wine for hand holding and hugs.

Now if I could just convince my heart.

April is soon to arrive!

And while I've finished my April pocket early, I had good reason. I will be traveling a bit the next two months to visit my mom first then to attend my daughters graduation in Louisiana. She'll be getting her degree in English with Women's studies as a minor. Then off to get her Masters - possibly in Kansas.

April is also one of those months where nothing good happened and everything that's good happened. I decided to focus on the good - my grandaughter was born in April. As apposed to my attempted suicide that was also in April. Having been to the deepest of pits and survived, I wonder daily if I should have. I don't see any great change in my life or in my pain - when things get bad and I can't see the good. I struggle every day just to stay alive, to keep my pain at bay, to hide my real thoughts from people who would probably run if they knew what I was thinking.

I think, if only I could find a reason for all the hurt and pain, I could make it all go away. But it never does. It's elusive, hinting one day that I'm close to an answer then slipping off to hide for another day.

When someone you know is hurting, depressed or in pain, whether physical or mental, do you know what to do or to say to that person? Do you know what they need? more than anything they just need to know they are loved, unconditionally.

A long time ago I had a friend who killed himself. In my youthfulness, I didn't know he was telling me that's what he was going to do and that it would be soon, I couldn't imagine life would be so bad as to actually do it. In all my years of depression up to this point, I had never actually made an attempt, even though I came close a few years after his. So his death came as a surprise to me, and I was saddened that he never knew how much I liked and respected him, loved him as a friend and a brother. He never knew that, I don't think, because I never told him. I thought there was more time.

Live life as if there is no more time. As if this is the last day you will ever see that person or talk to that person. Don't let words and actions wait till another day, a better moment. There may not be another day or moment. Love unconditionally! Love could mean the difference between life or death. Because some of us live that line. We don't want to but we do. And life is more than just the daily trials, life can be the hardest thing we do that day, that week or that month. For those of us who suffer deep depression, every hour lived is a milestone. Knowing someone will care deeply if we give up could be the difference between choosing life and giving up.

I'm telling you this because I have a friend who keeps me living each day. She's here to remind me I am not alone, even when I feel I am so terribly alone, she tells me I am not. So I vow to keep fighting, to keep trying.

March pocket finished!

Where to start? One day at work I created this doodle and I liked it because it showed to me a definite battle and separation of my life. The battle was the uphill climbs during my 30 yr marriage. The mountains depict that part, including the rocky parts, the snowy parts and the easy downhill coasting. The last of the mountains are covered in snow, just as our marriage was covered in the frost and cold of neglect. The blue and white bead depict the blue skies and cloudy days. We had a lot of both for a long time. The white beads depict the snow continuing to fall, just as our marriage continued to fall out of control. (did anyone see the 2 beaded circles within the mountains? This represents our vows - gold standing for him and silver for me)

The river divides that life and my new life. It wasn't easy to cross, but I've managed somehow. The bear is my totem and his trail begins and ends at the bottom where the button says life's journey. I also added the 2 circles in my present life. They represent my vows to myself, to remain faithful to my beliefs, my self, and my future. I created a rainbow with golds and silvers to represent this era in my life. I may not have a man to share my life with but it is filled with golden moments of time with family and friends. While this was a difficult piece to do, I think it has helped me to work through some of the issues of my failed marriage. There is still a lot of hurt there, but I am pushing past it and moving on with my life.

My journey hasn't ended, it's just begun.

where life meets beading and beading meets sun

lol - got my March pocket finished and will post soon. Been busy, busy lately so not much time for beading or blogging. Not that you can tell I was actually busy...

spent the day at a friends house 'dog sitting' on the deck - got sun, some wind and watched a goofy movie on Encore on their bigscreen. Didn't manage to get much else done except laundry. Yesterday we did pretty much the same thing and T made supper - bbq chicken with his home-made bbq sauce, salad and baked potatoes. mmmm.... good. enough leftovers for some for supper, yeah!

And I have been working on going through all my craft stuff, even though you can't tell it by looking....