Wow Summer seems to be passing me by....

I have been having knee problems and have been spending an excess amount of time sitting with my knee up. Since I don't have wireless I can't drag my laptop to the couch (: But that means I have had a lot of time to work on pockets! I have May, June and July done and have added straps to all the other pockets. I also de-constructed a bunch of jeans and have pockets ready to go for a few more months. I took pics but have to get them off the camera. I will try to do that tomorrow.

I have been seeing a therapist and I am working through some things with her which is helping. I've also talked to my X and while the answers I got weren't what I expected and I didn't feel like I got everything I felt I needed to hear, I did at least get him to talk about feelings and his thoughts from his perspective. So I am getting some closure in that area and I hope it helped him too, because I opened up and told him some things I hadn't told anyone, that while I didn't want him to feel like he had to say it's all his fault, I did appreciate him saying he had made mistakes and that he felt he had failed me by not encouraging me or supporting me. That I had made mistakes too and that because of things that happened to me when I was younger and that this had impacted my reactions to things he did or said. Basically, because I never felt I was worthy of love, that I felt I deserved whatever happened and I had no control, which caused me to be clingy and needy. My fear he would leave me pushed him to do just that. I know I didn't consciously do these things, they were already programed into my brain.

I also talked to my mom and got some clarifications and more of an understanding of my dad and his lack of relating to any of the family. Mom said he'd always been that way. She gave me lots of insight which I really did appreciate.

I hope you all will enjoy the pockets I have created. This has been a wonderful process of finding myself and my pockets reflect that. And I will get them posted soon... maybe even today!

Working on May

and finding it hard to concentrate some days, so the going is slow. I will be meeting with my new counselor tomorrow for the first time. I hope it goes well. I have been feeling very low lately. I think partly because of all the traveling I did and partly from seeing my X for the first time in what, 8 months.... Even knowing I'm not in love with him anymore doesn't stop the pain and the feeling of loss. Mostly that loss of security in knowing my place in the universe. I was a 'wife' so long I don't know how to do anything else. So I just muddle through the days it seems.

We did go to Winston for their fiesta which was fun, although very very hot. I think I cut the day short for everyone when I had to go sit and cool off. I get heat stroke very easily and I hate it. Anyway we then went to Chloride to see the museum, but it was closed so we headed home. I spent the next 2 days with a migraine. I finally took some migraine meds today and I feel better. I still have so many things to do and so many things to put away... seems to never end. At least I got most of the materials I need to do the repairs on the roof. All in good time.

My April pocket - April is the month my granddaughter was born and I wanted to take this pocket and celebrate new life, springtime and my favorite things - flowers, butterflys and dragonflys! I used rainbow tourmaline and amethyst for the flowers. For the leaves I used some carved leaves I got at the local store and green florite and peridot for the vines. There wasn't a lot of heavy thoughts on this one, I just tried to put forth the feelings of spring, new life, new beginnings. It is one of my favorite so far.
hugs

A time for change

A time for change

May has been full of time for change. A lot of the change has been in me. I've been on the road so much the last month and I have had lots of time for reflection. I find I am no longer feeling like I should still be in love with my ex-husband. I love him as a friend and the father of my children and because we shared a life together, but I am no longer IN love with him. We had a chance to have a small heart to heart while he was at my daughters for her graduation and I can honestly say I had no pangs of heartache when I looked at him or talked to him. We had one small incident while at his house that involved his attempt to spare my feelings instead of being up front. I tried to explain that if he would just be up front and tell me, then there would be less to have to deal with in the end. If I get upset, that is my thing to deal with. If he is secretive or hides things and I am then totally surprised and hurt that he didn't give me the chance to even try to deal with whatever it was. Plus I think for the first time since the divorce we actually laughed and relaxed and had a good time. I explained that that was all I wanted or expected. The other admission I made was that for the first time in my life, I am actually on my own and I enjoy this aspect of life. Making my own decisions and living life how I want. I love being able to make my own choices, I love the feeling of independence and freedom. Freedom to come and go as I please, to not have to feel I have to live life according to someone else's agenda. To finally realize it is ok to let go of past dreams and expectations and to find new ones. That letting go is not forgetting or losing, it's not failure - it's life

Hex Goblindancer... my fairy name

Your fairy is called Hex Goblindancer

She is a bringer of riches and wealth.

She lives in places hexed and tainted by black magic.

She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.

She wears black feathers and rose petals. She has gentle green wings like a butterfly.

Get your free fairy name here!

looking back

looking back did you ever see?
did you ever see the real me?
did you think it would last?
while you held me fast?

looking back do you remember me?
do you remember
that first look,
our first kiss...
do you remember this?

looking back did you ever think?
did you ever think it would end like this?
packing my bags,
loading the car,
not... looking back... and looking too far?

looking back do you ever feel?
do you feel right,
do you sleep at night?

looking back do you ever think?
do you ever think anything at all?
or were the years that went by nothing at all?

Looking back, all I see is miles and miles
as I drove away from all that I had
looking for a way to see beyond the bad,
looking for ways to put life back in my smiles.

I don't look back anymore,
I have so much more in store
I can't waste time on things that won't change
I have too many things easily within range
looking back is for fools
if you see me looking, I'm not looking for you
kat
this isn't exactly how I had it in my head when I thought it up on the drive home, but I guess it really doesn't matter...

does life feel like it's passing you by? are you passing by life?

While this is not a perfect photo, I loved the sunset and had to capture it. I took this out of my window in a moving car... which is why everything looks like it's moving and where I got my title from...
I will be posting a photo of my April pocket and hopefully starting on May soon. The trip took more out of me than I thought it would and I am glad to be home. I posted pics on my fb site if anyone is interested in looking.

I also posted this pic of Jody and my entries in the bead group challenge. We didn't win but we did have fun.

So much has happened since I last posted, I don't hardly know where to begin. I enjoyed my time with my mom and wished I could have spent more time there, but was also glad to be home. I put up my new drapes today that I bought while I was there. I will post some pics of things as I get them photographed. I had to laugh - my mom picked out the drapes I wanted then put them back, or started to... I grabbed them and put them in my part of the cart (anyone else share carts when shopping with someone?) I think we were both surprised we liked the same thing... then she picked out some that I wasn't too sure of. We got back to the house and put hers up and I had to go buy me some... lol Mostly though, we talked and took care of the dogs... Thankfully, mine get along famously with hers... helps that hers are male and mine are female, I guess, but it was a relief to know Spice can get along with other dogs. Her sis and she don't get along right now - we are hoping this will pass now that Spice is fixed).

Good grief... don't even want to think about the next trip. It's only a week away and thankfully, not as far. But I have to deal with the X....